Satya – Part Four: She Loves Me?

Bright light hurts my eyes. It takes me some time to adapt to it. Have I died? Is this heaven? No, it is not. If I were in heaven, I should not have felt pain. I should have been free. But I can’t even move. I realise that I’m strapped to the bed. The sharp odour of spirit hits my nose. It’s a hospital.

Hospital?

Why am I alive? Kalpana, Chetan, Manas, Dad, Mom, everyone wanted to kill me. They trapped me and injected something in my blood, didn’t they? Yet, I’m still alive! They don’t want to kill me but torture me? Why? Do they enjoy seeing me in pain? How could they stoop this low?

I don’t remember their faces, though. Memories are foggy.

A woman comes into the room. She is wearing a white tunic. She checks my vitals and asks, “How are you feeling?”

“I feel…” I pause for a while. What should I say? Should I be happy for being alive? Or should I feel shit for being strapped? In the end, I said, “I feel nothing.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

“I wish I could read all your feelings so that I can heal you.”

I stare at her as the nurse speaks. She looks familiar, but I can’t tell how I know her. The effort I make to remember her exhausts me. My eyes are heavy. I fall asleep before she goes out of the room.

I don’t know how many days, weeks, or months have passed in this white room. I sleep a lot. I am strapped except when I am escorted to the washroom. A small set of staff takes care of me. They are within earshot. They bring me food and medicine and leave nothing behind. The weird thing is that I haven’t seen that nurse again. I have inquired about her, but nobody knows her. I am not sure if the doctor can help me. But how do I ask him?

The doctor scares me. He is gigantic, bald, and has a big moustache. He asks me the same questions in his hoarse voice every day: Who are you? How do you feel? Do you want to meet your family or friends? Had I sustained any injury during childhood? My answers, too, are fixed: I’m Satya; I feel nothing; I don’t want to meet anyone; I had no life-threatening injury during childhood. Before he left, he would ask, “Do you have something to share with me?”

“No,” I said, as always.

He stared at me, and I stared back at him. The more I gazed into his eyes, the more I started feeling that he was not scary. I finally decide to talk. “I want to ask you to know something.”

He raises his eyebrows. “Really?”

“Yes. It’s important.”

“How long have you been wanting to say it to me?”

“Do you know what I want to ask?”

“Maybe.”

“What do you know, doctor?”

The old doctor strokes his chin. “Well, I’ve heard that you’re looking for a nurse. And that you’ve not found her.”

“So, you know. Why didn’t you do anything?”

He shrugs. “You never asked.”

I don’t buy it. “You could have helped me.”

“Actually, I don’t know how to help you.”

“What? Why?”

“I don’t know any nurse that entered this room that night. In fact, I had strictly ordered them not to come in.”

“What?”

“I’m curious as well. How did she look?”

“I can’t give you the details, but she felt familiar.”

“Familiar?” He strokes his chin again and murmurs. “Hmm… family? Friend?”

“Hmm. I don’t think so, doctor.”

“I feel she is important to you. I have no idea how I can help you, but I’ll try.”

The doctor has left, but our conversation lingers in my mind. I had denied any connection to my family or friends, but do I really know them? I struggle to recall the faces of my parents and Kalpana. My images of my friends are all blurred. I don’t understand anything. I feel helpless. Fear creeps in, then sadness. I can’t hold my feelings anymore. I bury my face in the pillow and spill out all the emotions in the form of tears.

“What happened, Satya? Why are you crying?”

The voice startles me. It’s that nurse. Still unable to contain my emotions, I wail. She comes closer, sits on my bed, and caresses my hair. She does not say anything until I let go of all my feelings and stop crying. 

“I don’t know… I don’t know anyone… I can’t remember anyone.”

“You will, Satya. You need some rest.”

“How can I rest when I don’t have memories of anyone? How do I rest knowing nobody loves me?”

“Look at me, Satya.”

I can’t look at her. I don’t have the strength to talk to her. But she keeps insisting. I turn around and see her smiling. A comforting smile. Looking into my eyes, she says, “Weren’t you looking for me?”

“Yes.”

“Then why are you ignoring me when I am here with you?”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“Where have you been?”

“I have always been with you.”

“Hmm… How?”

“I am in your heart, Satya.”

I am perplexed while her smile widens. “Really?”

“Yes.”

“It’s still not the same as being with you.”

“You don’t always need to be with the person you love. All you need to do is to spare a thought for them.”

I have heard that somewhere. Why does this nurse feel close to my heart?

“Because,” she says. “You know me, Satya.”

Is she reading my mind? Who is she?

“You know me, Satya. I’m the one you’ve loved.”

My eyes widen. I recognise her. “You’re—”

“I’m—”

“Kalpana.” We say in unison.

Memories flood into my mind. The faces of my parents became clear. Manas, Chetan, and all my friends smile at me. Kalpana is grinning with them. She looks just like the first time we met. I had been crazy to even think she was going to kill me. I hate myself.

“Don’t hate yourself, Satya,” Kalpana says. “We love you no matter what. You were ill. Now, you’ve become well.”

I am soaked in tears of joy. I sleep peacefully for the first time in who knows how long.

← Part Three

Part Five →