Category: Musings

A symbolic illustration of a person carrying passion interrupted by the wall of life

Is Passion Enough? Question from the Podcast Featuring Sudin Pokharel (DA69)

On July 22, 2025

In Blogging, Inspirational, Life, Musings, Opinion

Follow your passion!

How many times have you heard it? I have heard it thousands of times–sometimes in movies like 3 Idiots, sometimes in books, and countless times in motivational speeches and social media posts. Last week, I was listening to a podcast (YouTube video embedded below) featuring Sudin Pokharel (DA69) when a question popped up in my mind:

Is passion enough?

In this post…

Sudin Pokharel and his passion towards sports and media

I first saw Sudin Pokharel as a sports news reader on Kantipur TV during its establishing days. His hairstyle and delivery were different from the conventional news readers. Ten years old me was hooked. The five-minute sports news ended the whole news programme like icing on the cake.

Later Sudin Pokharel came with a sports programme, Scoreboard. It was even better than the news. The game analyses and player profiles were insightful. It increased my knowledge on football, cricket, taekwondo, tennis, and so on.

In the podcast, he explains how the sports news and Scoreboard was made. Waking up late hours for recording key moments of european football leagues, following players of various sports to create their profile, explaining and analysing games to make them more understable to audience, and so on show how passionate he was to his work. The pride in his voice when he explains all these is well deserved.

Hints at Toxic Work Environment

But Sudin Pokharel’s voice also exhibits pain. His passion did not help him financially. His face time on the sports decreased, and the programme was shortened. The organization for which he worked almost a decade did not show interest in retaining him. Sudin Pokharel does not blame anyone for it. “I could not make the management understand why sports his important,” he says. “Also, a common man used to be more interested in the political and economic state of the country rather than sports and players. Today, it might have been different. I was perhaps living in a wrong time.”

He also hints about politics within the organization. When he tells, “Some people were happy when I left because my wages could be split to two or three others,” tears came to my eyes. You give ten years to an organization and you have to leave in tears? Without proper farewell? What a toxic environment!

Passion towards hiphop music (Nephop) as DA69

“Ma yesto chhu” was a hit among youngsters those days. I didn’t understand rap, and honestly, I didn’t like the song, but it stuck. DA69 was one of the singers. I didn’t know he was the same guy who hosted the sports programme until I came across “Pahilo maya” and “She’s the bomb!” The latter, I believe, brought Nepalese hiphop to the mainstream. DA69 was a member of “The Unity” which gave numeous hit tracks.

Decline in Creativity

But then life happened. “When you are young, don’t have family and responsibilities,” he says, “that’s the time you can be more creative.” As life throws responsibilities, one is ocuupied with the thoughts of solving them. Art and literature are liabilities unless they are supporting you financially. In other words, practicality beats romanticism.

Not everyone can handle it

The dip in creativity means you start doubting yourself. Nothing in the creative journey prepares you for failure after reaching a summit in the career. The conflict between what you want to do and what you have to do creates a void. Those who are not ready for it drown themselves in depression and it may even lead to suicide.

This idea of why artists commit suicide just after being in peak was enlightening to me. It explains why they choose the path despite being loved by many. It also shows how vulnerable artists are. Their emotions make them creative, but the same emotions are also major liabilities.

Coming back

When Sudin Pokharel became financially stable, when he could bear the cost of his family, DA69 came back to the media. He came with new ideas for the media (although it got tanked) and he began creating music again. He could afford making music and recording them. His suppressed passion found its way out.

So, Is Passion Enough?

Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t. Passion can bring success. Some people keep moving just because of the passion they have for things they do. For others, reality could knock them off. They may have to reorganize themselves, in which they may succeed or not.

As someone who has been through creative peaks and valleys and affected by responsibilities I feel it’s always better to have more than one options. So, maybe passion is not enough. But who am I too decide?

Conflict Management for Positive Transformation: Examples From Literature and History

By Sandeept

On February 2, 2025

In Blogging, Evolution, Humans and Humanity, Musings, Philosophical

Conflict, whether external or internal, is a driving force for transformation. It brings out the truths and vulnerabilities of individuals, communities, and societies. When these vulnerabilities are managed, conflict results in positive change. The role of conflict in transformation is a permanent theme in literature, a recurring example in history, and a profound truth for an individual.

Conflict and Transformation in Literature

Conflict brings out the best as well as the worst in an individual. This can be seen clearly in Fyodor Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment. Raskolnikov, in the early chapters of the novel, possesses a view that “extraordinary men” can transcend morality and commit crimes. His poor financial situation leads him to think that killing the pawnbroker, who was probably cheating him, would be for the “greater good”. After he commits the crime, however, he is consumed by guilt, fear, and paranoia. He can come out of it once he realises through Sonia’s love that his past philosophy was flawed, and he prepares for a more peaceful life.

The idea of “extraordinary man” bringing a great conflict is also explored in Frank Herbert’s Dune series. When the Padishah Emperor Shaddam IV sends the Atreides, the rulers of Caladan, to the desert planet Arrakis (aka Dune), replacing the Harkonnens, the conflict between them reaches a tipping point. The conflict escalates when Paul Atreides, fuelled by his desire for revenge against the family rivals, Harkonnens and the Padishah Emperor Shaddam IV, exploits the myths of Lisan Al-Gaib and frees the Fremen from slavery. However, the savoir complex in him leads to a Jihad that kills over 61 million humans. He also justifies this catastrophe as a necessary action to end people’s admiration for messianic figures and hero worship. The chronicles clearly show how conflicts unmanaged through generations can result in huge losses. It also shows how the resolution of conflict brings out the best in humanity as they set to explore the universe on their own, discarding the need for a messiah.

Perhaps the best depiction of unmanaged family conflict leading into global warfare is the battle of the Mahabharata. The five sons of Pandu (Pandavas) and the hundred sons of Dhritarashtra (Kauravas) face each other in this family feud along with their allies from around the globe. The origin of the conflict has a root, however, when Devbrata (Bhishma) takes vows to refuse the throne and remain celibate to please his father, Shantanu, and his stepmother, Satyavati. This act robs Hastinapur of its strong ruler and the true male heir.

When his half-brothers, Chitrangad and Vichitravirya, die early, the male lineage of the Kuru dynasty genetically. However, through niyoga, Dhritarashtra and Pandu are born. Although Dhritarashtra is the eldest, he is denied the throne because of his blindness. Pandu becomes a king, despite his weak, sickly body. However, he soon leaves the palace after being cursed by a sage to die if he engages in a sexual act. Despite his restraints, Pandu succumbs to his desires and dies. He is not without heirs, though. Through a mantra, his wives Kunti and Madri have given birth to five divine sons. In Hastinapur, Dhritarashtra is crowned as the king. He promises his eldest son, Duryodhan, to pass on the throne and starts preparing accordingly.

Dhritarashtra’s repressed desires for power manifest into bitterness when Kunti returns with her sons. The fact that her eldest, Yudhisthir, is older than Duryodhan means that Yudhisthir was a challenger for the throne. The Kauravas become bitter, and although everyone knows of this, nobody takes action to bring the Pandavas and Kauravas to negotiations and solve the conflict. The brewing tensions escalate after the Draupadi, the common wife of the Pandavas, is brought to the court and disrobed. This episode makes the war inevitable and peace impossible.

The aftermath of the war shows the victors, Pandavas, distressed and sort of lost. They try, however, to sustain their kingdom as much as possible, setting the foundation for the next generation to come.

Conflict and Transformation in History

Examples of leadership arising from conflict are also evident from history. Mohan Das Karam Chand Gandhi’s experiences in South Africa changed his attitude towards the British, and he became one of the major freedom fighters for independent India. Similarly, apartheid in Africa gave rise to Nelson Mandela, and racial discrimination brought about leadership qualities in Rosa Park, Martin Luther King Jr., and Malcolm X.

In Nepal, too, the decade-long armed conflict between the Mablets and the government brought into light the discrimination of upper caste over lower caste, cultural suppression, and lack of opportunities for the backward communities. The Comprehensive Peace Accord 2006, the Constitution of Nepal 2015, and many other agreements have addressed the marginalisation and put forth mechanisms to solve the issues.

Conflict at an individual level

At an individual level, conflict can help one identify their truths and vulnerabilities. Conflicts can arise when a person has set up certain ideals and wants to follow them. When reality shatters their ideals, they feel weak and can’t accept reality. However, acceptance of reality and confrontation of harsh truths make one stronger. This also gives them a way forward in life.

I too have faced several problems where I feel like I am at a crossroads. When I left my job for preparation of PSC exams, I had no idea where I would go. However, it also made me ambitious and target-orientated. The strong sense of. “I must do it” helped me crack an exam at one level.

Conclusion

The role of conflict in transformation is, thus, a universal phenomenon. However, we should also be careful, for conflict can not only be transformative but also destructive. Sometimes, oversight can make us believe that conflict has no negative effect, but it can turn out to be so. When left unmitigated, conflict destroys individuals, splits families, weakens societies, and collapses countries. Therefore, it is wise to handle conflict as a double-edged sword and work out ways to bring transformation rather than destruction. Literature, history, and individual experiences have revealed that struggle is the source of transformation. Conflict forces individuals and societies to confront their limitations, reimagine possibilities, and evolve. Whether through the internal torment of a character like Raskolnikov, the sociopolitical struggles of the Maoist movement, or individual experiences, conflict is the engine of transformation, propelling humans toward growth and renewal.

हिजोआज

By Sandeept

On September 4, 2023

In Musings, Blogging, Humans and Humanity, Life, नेपाली

हिजोआज केहीले उत्साहित बनाउँदैन । पढाई, काम, “गहन बहस”, सामान्य छलफल, सामाजिक सञ्जालमा हुने तर्क बितर्क सबै बेतुकका लाग्छन् । आदर्शका कुरा ढोङ्ग जस्ता लाग्छन् अनि सहयोग र सान्त्वना, फगत स्वार्थ पूरा गर्ने माध्यम ।
आजकल बोझ लाग्छ हर कुरा । कार्यालय, घर, नाता, सम्बन्ध, मित्रता, शिक्षा, शिक्षालय सबैले औपचारिकतामा बाँधेझैँ लाग्छ । ज्ञानको कुनै मतलब छैन, क्षमताको कुनै अर्थ छैन जबसम्म औपचारिकता पूरा हुँदैन । तर आफूभन्दा शक्तिशाली कसैको अघिपछि लाग्नुस्, औपचारिकता कै लागि बनेका नियम कानूनको पनि केही लाग्दैन ।

हिजोआज लेख्न पनि मन लाग्दैन । यो किन लेख्दैछु थाहा छैन । मनको बोझ हलुका होस् भनेर नै होला तर यहाँ पनि मिलाएर लेख्नुपर्ने बाध्यता छ । मनमा शब्दहरू खेलाउनु अनि एकएक अक्षर मिलाउँदै टाइप गर्नु पनि बोझिलो बन्दैछ । तथापि मनका कुरा अक्षरमा पोख्न बाहेक अरू उपाय देख्दिनँ ।

हुन त लेखेर केही हुने पनि हैन । कुनै बेला हरेक इस्यूमा लेख्न मन लाग्थ्यो । केही गलत भएको भए कसरी ठीक गर्न सकिन्छ भनेर सुझाव दिन मन लाग्थ्यो । अहिले आफ्नै विवेक बन्द गरेर हिँड्नु परेको छ । जहाँ पाइलै पिच्छे बेइमानी चल्छ, त्यहाँ इमानको अर्थ के ? जहाँ दोग्लापन पुगिन्छ, त्यहाँ सत्यको अस्तित्व के ?

यहाँको पागलपनको गुरुत्वाकर्षणले तान्दै तान्दै मलाई पनि पागल पो बनाउने हो कि ? अलि बढी नै निराशावादी भइयो कि ? तर यो समाज, देश र पूरै मानव सभ्यताको उँधो गति मात्रै देख्ने म मात्रै त नहूँला नि है ?

Good Bye, Dear 70s!

By Sandeept

On April 14, 2023

In Blogging, essay, Musings, Nepal

Nepal was in turmoil when the 70s began. The first constituent assembly (CA) had died at the hands of our “visionary leaders” and the chances of getting a constitution that would “transform everything” were bleak. The election for the second CA took place on Mangsir 4, 2070, but it could not deliver on its promise.

The work on constitution only took place after the Gorkha earthquake of Baishakh 12, 2072. The 7.8 moment magnitude disaster killed 8,964 and injured 21,952 people. Thousands of people were displaced from their homes. The government had to take help from the international community to look for the lost, rehabilitate the homeless, and reconstruct the damaged structures. The need for financial aid was probably one of the factors that made our leaders work quicker on the constitution.

We finally got our seventh constitution on Ashoj 3, 2072. Although it wasn’t accepted in all the parts of the country, it gave hopes that it would change lives. It positively changed the lives of some marginalized people. But it did not bring the transformations the leaders said it would bring. Except on their lives, of course!

Federalism became a way to manage leaders, and it has failed to ignite any hope on youths. Decades of political instability has killed our hopes of economic change and political revolution, and more youths are fleeing the country. Despite having a large number of youth, we are turning into a country of the elderly. This issue will be even more serious in the 80s.

The 80s is arriving at a time of economic regression. The revenues have decreased, and we are spending more that we can earn. The NRB is seeking investment on bonds, economic activities are dying, and the government has decided to cut off social security. However, the government, economists and mainstream media are lying on our faces. Although we are losing trust on our institutions, we neither have courage not interest in fighting them. We are running from our problems, instead.

I think the 80s will be the last decade to “make or break” for Nepal. It’s high time we address the real issues and start solving them instead of denying or turning away.

के नेपालीको दलीय सोच तोडिएला ?

By Sandeept

On June 8, 2022

In Blogging, essay, Musings, Nepal, Nepali, Politics, Public Interest, नेपाली

वैशाख ३० गते स्थानीय तहको निर्वाचन आउन दुई दिन बाँकी थियो । घरमा कसलाई भोट हाल्ने भन्ने विषयमा छलफल हुँदै थियो । “भोट किन हाल्ने ?” मैले सोधेँ । “वडा समितिका अध्यक्ष र सदस्य बन्न कै लागि ठूला (भ्रष्ट) नेताको अघिपछि लाग्ने अनि आम नागरिकका टोलमा पनि नआउने उम्मेदवारलाई किन जिताउने ?”

बाबाले सम्झाउन खोज्नुभयो । “एकदुई जनाले भोट नहालेर के हुन्छ ? एकजनाले बढी भोट हाल्यो भने पनि कुनै एउटाले जितिहाल्छ । यति पर्सेन्ट ल्याउनैपर्ने भन्ने बाध्यता पनि छैन ।”

“त्यसो भए खराबमध्येबाट मात्रै छान्नुपर्ने हो त ? राम्रा उम्मेदवार दिन सक्दैनन् दलहरूले ?”

“दिँदैनन् ।”

“अनि किन भोट हाल्ने त ?” मलाई चित्त बुझ्दै बुझेन । “अनि चुनावअघि त यस्तो घमण्ड गर्छन् । चुनाव जितेको भोलिपल्ट देखि के होला ?”

प्रमुख पदका एक उम्मेदवारको रवैया मन परिरहेको थिएन । प्रष्ट विरोध गरेँ । “बालेन शाहले राम्रा र गर्न सकिने योजनाहरू ल्याएका छन् । इन्जिनियर हुन् । प्राविधिक ज्ञान पनि छ । एकचोटि मौका दिऊँ न ।”

तर पार्टीमा सक्रिय रहनु भएका मेरा परिवारका सदस्यहरूले आफ्नो दलबाट आएका उम्मेदवार बाहेक विकल्प नै देख्नुभएन । स्वतन्त्र उम्मेद्वारले जिते पनि वडाध्यक्षहरू पार्टीबाट आउछन् । केही गर्न सक्दैन । जित्न सक्नेलाई नै भोट दिनुपर्छ । ‘हुन त पार्टी बाहेकका मान्छेलाई टिक्न निदिएको जताततै देखेको हो तर एउटा मौका दिँदा त हुन्थ्यो होला । अनि मौका दिए त जसले पनि जित्न सक्छ नि !’ मनमनै भनेँ । चुनावको नतिजा जे भए पनि स्वतन्त्र विचारलाई समर्थन गर्ने निर्णय गरेँ ।

जे सुकै होला भन्दै भोट हालेको, बालेन शाहले जिते । मतगणना सुरु भएको ५ दिनसम्म त उनले जित्छन् जस्तो लागेकै थिएन मलाई त । काठमाडौं महानगरपालिका बाहेक धरान, धनगढी र जनकपुर उपमहानगरहरूमा पनि स्वतन्त्र रूपमा उठेका व्यक्तिहरूले चुनाव जिते । कुनै एउटा पार्टीको गढ भनेर चिनिएका धेरै ठाउँहरूमा अर्कै पार्टी वा व्यक्ति विजयी भए । स्थानीय निर्वाचनमा पहिलो हुने निर्वाचित हुने (प्रत्यक्ष) निर्वाचन प्रणाली छ जसको भरपुर उपयोग पार्टीगत राजनीतिबाट आजित भएका आम नागरिकले गरे ।

लोकतन्त्रमा दलहरूको भूमिका महत्त्वपूर्ण हुन्छ । हाम्रो त संविधानले नै “बहुदलीय प्रतिस्पर्धात्मक लोकतन्त्र”लाई आत्मसात् गरेको छ । त्यति मात्र हैन, समानुपातिक निर्वाचन प्रणालीले दलविहीनतालाई अस्वीकार गरिदिएको छ । यस्तोमा नेपालीहरूमा दलीय सोच हुनु अस्वाभाविक हैन । तर आफ्नो पार्टी सधैँ ठीक, सधैँ राम्रो भन्ने जुन तरिकाको सोच छ, त्यो परिवर्तन हुन जरुरी छ ।

आफ्नो स्वार्थ हेरेर कुनै राजनीतिक दलको आड लिने मानिसहरू धेरै सङ्ख्यामा छन् । उनीहरू न ती राजनीतिक दलका सिद्धान्त बुझ्छन्, न त नीति अनुसार चल्छन् । लाखौं रूपैयाँ “नेता”हरूका खल्तीमा भरिदिने हो पनि जोसुकै त्यो पार्टीको खुङ्खार नेता भनेर चिनिन्छ । यस्तो विचलनले पार्टीका इमानदार कार्यकर्ताको चित्त दुखाएको छ । यसको परिणाम चुनावमै देखिएको छ । टाउकेहरू अझै पनि अन्तर्घात र धाँधली भनिरहेका छन् । आफ्ना गल्ती सुधार्ने कुनै सोच देखिँदैन उनीहरूमा ।

यस्तोमा पार्टीका “नेता” भनाउँदालाई लाइनमा ल्याउने काम कार्यकर्ताको हो तर उनीहरू पनि आफ्नै स्वार्थमा अल्मलिएका छ्न् । नेतृत्व तह असहमति सहन सकिरहेको छैन । हरेक सिद्धान्त त प्रक्रियाको निर्मम समीक्षा हुनुपर्छ भन्नेहरू नै विरोधका मसिना स्वरहरूदेखि झस्केका जस्ता देखिन्छन् । यस्तो वाक्क लाग्दो राजनीतिको विकल्प केही ठाउँमा युवापुस्ताले खोज्न थालेको देखिन्छ ।

यद्यपि धेरै ठाउँमा सशक्त इमानदार विकल्प छैनन् । संघ र प्रदेशमा संसदीय व्यवस्था भएकाले राजनीतिक दलको विकल्प पनि राजनीतिक दल नै हुन् । कि त नयाँ इमानदार दल आउनुपर्‍यो कि त अहिलेका बेइमान दलहरू सुध्रिनुपर्‍यो । देश हाँक्ने मौका पाएका नेता र तिनका दलको त सुध्रिने छाँट छैन । पहिले इमानदार राजनीति गर्ने भनेर खुलेका पार्टी पनि कुर्सीकै राजनीति गर्न अग्रसर भएको देखिएकाले गर्दा नयाँ पार्टीहरूमा झट्ट विश्वास गर्ने अवस्था देखिएको छैन । कोभिड दौरान देखिएको “Enough is Enough” आन्दोलन संस्थागत गर्न चुकेकाले त्यस आन्दोलनको नेतृत्व पनि सशक्त हुने कुरामा शङ्कै छ । तथापि, पहिलेभन्दा फरक गर्न सक्ने मौका भने उनीहरूमा छ ।

नेपालमा अहिलेको जस्तो दलीय सोच हट्ला त ? असम्भव जस्तै देखिन्छ । तर दलमा आवद्ध भए पनि नभए पनि काम गर्न सक्ने मानिस छान्न भने नागरिकले चाहेको देखिन्छ । कुनै वादभन्दा पनि असहज परिस्थितिमा समेत भरोसा गर्न सक्ने नेतृत्व नागरिकले खोजेका छन् । खोजेजस्ता नेताहरू भेट्न गाह्रो होला तर केही प्रयास यही नै रहनेछ ।

Finishing the Fifth Draft of a Story

By Sandeept

On September 22, 2021

In Blogging, Musings

I want to write every day but I don’t. Most of the times, I am so lazy that I don’t want to lift my pen. Sometimes, the things I’m writing is too personal and sometimes, the stuff I write makes me uncomfortable.

Right now, I am writing a story. I’m still not writing daily but I am more regular than before. I finished the fifth draft (fourth complete draft) today. Every draft has changed the way I am looking into the characters and the plot. The overall theme and plot has remained the same but the way to get to them have been varied.

I also found a way to calm my inner editor. Every time I see a problem, I promise myself to look into it in the next draft. Following expert advice, I used to wait for some time to revise. This time, however, I am not waiting. As soon as I finish one version, I begin another. It’s helping me a lot in remembering the things I wanted to change and it has also helped me regain confidence in writing.

I hope to complete the story in the next couple of drafts. Then I will move on to the next thing I have on my mind. Wish me luck!

Isolation

By Sandeept

On May 25, 2020

In Personal, Blogging, Life, Musings

I have included some strips of the manga Koe no Katachi by Yoshitoki Ooima in this blog. Please read the strips from right to left.

When I watched Koe no Katachi aka A Silent Voice/The Shape of Voice, watched several video essays on it on YouTube, and later read the manga, I could relate the most to Shouya Ishida’s character. I was not a bully but I used to be nasty at times. However, the similarity lies in the ways he isolates himself. His isolation was a reflection of my own, and it took me back to my own school days.

I grew up pretty fast during my childhood, psychologically as well as physically. The problems of my home changed me from a carefree, outgoing boy into a worrying introvert. I spent my childhood trying to maintain good grades under the expectations of my parents and teachers. I hit puberty faster than most of my classmates, and that made me feel distant from the rest. Until I was 12, I had a few best friends, but none of them stayed long. I believed that I could have only one best friend, but that best friend was never permanent. After 6^th Grade, I could not even tell who my best friend was. I had imaginary friends since I was 8. I spent most of my adolescence with them.

Koe no Katachi took me to those days and made me think: Why didn’t I have no friends then? Why did I keep myself in isolation? My house was in the end of a small goreto beside a stream now turned into sewer. I never brought anyone home. I never went to anyone’s. I was scared I might get lost if I went anywhere other than my home and school. At the age of 3 or 4, I had actually lost at Ason. Had the Lamini Aama, who lives in our neighbourhood not found me, I don’t know what would happen to the proud Ankit/Sandeept that is today. But these were all secondary. The primary reason was my pride.

As long as I remember, I have always been proud. I was proud of my good-looks. I was proud of my high-pitched voice. I was proud of my memory. I was proud of my hard-work. I was proud of my timeliness. I was proud of my ability to speak well in public.

The first blow to my pride came in the form of the crooked tooth that somehow changed my good-looks. The second blow was the change in my voice-pitch. The pride of my memory ‘poofed’ when I realized that my brain could not remember everything and that the memories were ever changing. My pride of timeliness, hard-work and my ability to speak up facts from memory got kicked away once again in March when I did my worst presentation ever. But I still did not let go of my pride.

With pride, I had cultivated ego, and I enclosed myself within its walls. This wall has stayed ever since I realized I was different from my classmates, and that I could not easily mix with them. I had several problems. I could not stand them shouting out obscenities, I could not stand them fighting for petty things, I could not stand them taking my note-books, I could not stand them talking about ‘Street Fighter’, I could not stand them joining social media, I could not stand their aggression. In short, I could not stand the adolescents being adolescents. My “matured outlook” was actually my ego. I grew it in such a way that I did not frankly talk to anyone. I pushed them and have always tried pushing other friends and people away from me. I shoved some of them so hard that I have never had life-long friends.

In Koe no Katachi, the anime, Shouya Ishida shuts his ears, and crosses out everyone. That’s who I was, and still am. While my classmates had fun in the class, enjoying the never-returning times of their lives, I ignored their voices, canceled them out and concentrated on books. I used to be in the classroom, but I used to be aloof from whatever they did. Whatever they did, I thought, was nonsense. What I did, always right.

Shouya's isolation is a reflection of my own

Looking back, I was never sad that I did not have much good memories with my childhood friends. I had my biggest lesson on large-group friendship when I was in my Bachelor’s. That was the time I enjoyed with my friends the most. But back in my head, I still had a doubt like Ishida has at the midway in his character arc, “Is this what friends are like? Am I allowed to be in their friendship, and to be happy?”

By now, I have again been hit by a realization. Even the largest groups of friends dissemble at some point of time. People who used to spill out all secrets, get along with awkward smiles when they meet after a long time. The dimensions of friendship changes with time and it’s natural. Nobody remains the same. I am, however jealous of some of my friends who can keep more than one best-friend in their life and respect each one of them. I am jealous that they can maintain the same dynamics that they created in their childhood. They are the polar opposites of someone like me, one who believes that there can only be one best-friend, and loses even that best-friend eventually.

Koe no Katachi, the anime, shook the walls of my ego; the manga cracked it further. As I dug deeper into my psyche, I realized that I could have been more accepting. I could have enjoyed a bit of “the trifles” of my friends. I could have a bigger heart and accepted many best-friends in my life. I could have been proud of the fact that I valued friendship over my own pride-generated ego. I apologize to you all, my friends, that I could never see anything beyond my ego. That I never tried to understand you; that I did not try to accept you, not even once.

Will I be able to break the walls of ego? I don’t know. Even after the blow it got, it still stands. I have come to a realization that only I can break it. The wall, however, is many-layered and has made my personality. Breaking that wall means that I will have to change my personality to some extent. But am I ready for that alteration? Am I ready to face my demons? Am I ready to move out of my comfort zone? I don’t know. But I am inspired by Ishida when he says in the manga: “There is some things you just can’t change. …I think it’s the time you spend trying to change. …That’s more important.”

I want, my friends, not to push you away; I want to understand you, your perspectives; I want to be more accepting of you; I want to be no more jealous of you; and I want infinite joy whenever I interact with you.

Memory

By Sandeept

On March 31, 2020

In Blogging, Health, Humans and Humanity, Musings

I have lost hundreds of photos and documents due to hard drive crashes and memory card failures. Crashes are inevitable. Electronic devices can fail anytime without any symptom. I backup some of my important data online but I don’t backup everything. Over years, hard drives turn into parts of my own memories, and they even represent my personality. I feel I lose myself every time a crash occurs. Sudden crashes have hurt me at least five times now, the recent one occurring on February 14, and I have not been able to recover everything yet.

Our brain captures our sensory perceptions and makes memories. The brain also erases the ones that are less significant. It is so spontaneous that we don’t care how the construction and deconstruction of memories occur. I have come to realize that when we actively interact with the environment, we make sharper memories compared to times when we are passive. Undivided attention helps produces better memories than when my mind is divided. My memory becomes the weakest during the times I have to multi-task. As I am writing this, my mind is trying to run quickly, but it is also interrupted by the talks of my sister and mother, and the loud TV. I am trying to understand what they are talking about but my mind processes only bits and pieces. I am sure when I wake up tomorrow, I won’t be able to remember anything of this evening except that I was typing something on my laptop.

This lack of proper memory construction a frightening situation for me. It was not always this way. I used to do home-works while watching TV in the past. My brain might not be as effective as it was 10-12 years ago; I don’t know. I might not have been able to grasp information from different senses at the same time. I can’t say for sure. Did my brain change the way it worked as I grew into an adult? I can’t say for sure. What I know for sure is that the volume of information my brain has to process is huge, and it has tired. All the things from trivial to complex calculations have affected it for a few years. The fatigue has lingered for a long time as I have not been able to give it a proper rest.

Unrested mind is unstable. It fears more, lacks confidence, and kills enthusiasm. It has so much to do but does not want to do anything. Moments of laughter decrease as worry grips every thought. Such a mind does not make good memories. It takes one deeper into abyss. Images of Riley from the movie “Inside Out” run in my mind as I write these lines. Sometimes, I see myself in her place, trying to keep myself happy against all conditions and making myself sadder as time passes.

The TV is making me listen to Yog Gurus who are focusing on happiness and Pranayam (breathing techniques) that help in the removal of all thoughts. After that, they say, we can enforce happy thoughts. I have not tried them yet, but as I look the paragraph above I become doubtful. Are we composed only of happy thought? We definitely are not. We are made up of several different kinds of emotions—happy, sad, angry, and so on that have roles in defining our personalities. And as the movie “Inside Out” showed, these feelings are ingrained in our memories.

Do memories make us human? Do they drive humanity? As long as I know, we learn a lot of things from the individual experiences of our parents, teachers, friends, and our own. We also have collective memories in the forms of communities, societies, rituals, libraries of books, and archives of different forms of media. Humanity relies on these things so that we don’t have to start from the beginning of the civilization. Humans are in a sort of relay race where the older generation passes the baton of memories to the younger generation can continue from what they have. A new generation always more privileged. Look at the progress in technology, for example.

Progress in technology means that we are relying more and more on it to keep our memories. Will a time come when the machines understand the meanings of our memories? That they will empathise with us? We are already astonished by the answers given by Siri and Sofia, aren’t we? Will they be more human than we ever are? “Blade Runner 2049”, the sequel to the classic “Blade Runner” movie triggered the question within me. Both the movies focus on memories implanted in factory-made humans; the sequel on the memories of automated programs as well. I don’t have the answers to the questions but the possibility of the machines becoming more intelligent or more human could be possible. For now, I am happy with the machines helping me put a part of me into them. It’s a risk as they may crash any time and I might lose those bits of my memories again. It’s okay because, “All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.”[1]

[1] Quote from Rutger Hauer’s character Roy in Blade Runner (1982)